after dealing with an abusive narcissist for several years, I finally quit my job. yay me :) I would go into more detail, but I think some details are better left forgotten in time. all that matters is that I finally had the courage to do it and am super proud of myself for finally doing so.

raven says I should take the week off and not do any job hunting or chores or anything, but I don't even know how that is possible. like, I was already getting bored today and finally figured out how to use the auto clean function on the oven. i will do my best to try and chill for once in my life though.

health-mental kept auto correcting to my typo from earlier and annoyed the shit out of me but I fixed it. it's 2025, why is shit like this still happening.

this journal

there's no way I'm ever going to get this journal completely done if i keep uncovering old blogs and journals. I don't really think i realized exactly how prolific I am. I'm all over the damn internet. i just found an old random alt deviantart account i had that has a bunch of journals still available on there. help...

the admin at pagecord, olly, was kind enough to help me import all the dreamwidth entries though at least (whew.) and then wrote a really nice blog entry about it :) thank you olly! customer for life right here.

i may or may not (definitely did) write a reddit post over on /r/digitaljournaling suggesting that people check out pagecord as well. I just randomly stumbled upon it; I believe that the admin of hey.com wrote an article about it...? I already forget. the search engine kagi is really good about unearthing more underground articles like that. i'm about to quit my job in a few weeks, and i told e that i refuse to stop paying for kagi haha. that's one of those necessary subscriptions for me. google is just such a shithole at this point for so many reasons.

i also started backing up my old videos which is a whoooleeeee different project. gonna use peertube.wtf - here is my account, the username is needingspace. tbh unless you're particularly interested in videos of my pets (who i definitely think are a lot cuter than everyone else thinks) or really old videos of me, isn't going to be particularly interesting. but yeah.

btw a few things that i've done to help give back to the archiving community for helping me find all my blogs: 1) started running warrior for archiveteam, and 2) installed the wayback machine plugin that will archive any new page i happen to stumble across. honestly the latter is kind of selfish to make sure that my pages don't get lost to time but the former is pretty selfless considering rn they're rush archiving goo.gl, and i don't have anything on there.

job

like i said, i'll be quitting my job in a few weeks (end of august.) i told lyn & a coworker (d) the second i clocked in today that if my manager "g" asked me to do XYZ task today that i'm cutting it short and quitting today. and of course at 4pm (she almost made it to the end of the day!) she came whining at me to do XYZ task.

there is a weekly rotation for XYZ task. d and i have wednesdays. we always do it. but of course there were things sitting there since monday because apparently the four tuesday people can't be bothered? yet manager is gonna come complain to me about it and ask me to clean it up last minute despite me working all morning on getting it cleared out (which is why there was barely anything in there!)

i told e "welp looks like i'm gonna have to quit today, a promise is a promise" and he was like "no, wait until friday afternoon because otherwise g is going to come to me freaking out because b (e and g's manager) is out of office this week" hahaha.

so i guess i didn't even make it a month. lyn said she was surprised that i made it this long, though.

mental health

we had therapy today and talked about the work situation. basically told the therapist that we are always feeling the need to be productive at 120%, so she told us to try and only be 70% productive, and then journal about how we feel about it. so i guess we are going to just keep making more and more journal entries without actually finishing the archives... i swear, i am transcribing them! (and i'm fast at it!) probably need to look into OCR though.

what i'm going to do for work?

well, i don't know, considering the job market is fuckin awful especially since the annoying orange got his second term. i'm getting turned down from very basic entry level shit. i think i'm too skilled for them to trust i'm going to stay at entry level jobs, and too "new" (as in haven't specialized enough in one field) for anyone else to want me... ugh.

e and i kind of agreed that i need to start working freelance/contract work anyway. whether that is through web dev/design or transcription or whatever. i've finally had a little bit of extra energy lately, so i listed a few of my idol CDs on discogs and also made a few websites for my portfolio. hey, it's better than nothing, i guess?

(i also want to learn stenography but the machines are so expensive, so maybe that can wait until if/when i can't find another job... ugh...)

i also made about $50 on prolific last week which honestly is pretty good for a week. and still have lots of surveys available, just haven't been able to dig into them because of working full time. they'll help bridge the gap so hopefully we don't have to dig into our savings while i'm unemployed.

last spending hurrah?

well, i finally got myself some IEM (in ear monitors). spent only $20 but they are surprisingly good. Linsoul 7Hz x Crinacle Zero:2 - affiliate link to help my soon to be broke ass or non-affiliate/vanilla link if you want - which is basically just what reddit suggested for inexpensive IEMs. i just grabbed them so i have a more portable solution when trying to play the steam deck instead of carrying around my big ass mixing headphones. and needed some wireless ones because i didn't want audio delay when playing rhythm games and wanted higher quality audio.

i pulled out my old ipod nano gen 2 and gen 3 (!) being like "wow these headphones don't work with my shitty phone because my phone only takes USB-C headphones even the dongle isn't supported" and then searched reddit and someone suggested to use an old phone and it's like, duh, of course that's the answer. i have a pixel 2 just sitting there begging to be used as a glorified mp3 player, it's even stripped down to the bare basics and has a custom ROM on it.

but yeah, just wanted some way to make myself not go crazy when being unemployed. i haven't been unemployed for over a decade, so i have no clue how long i'm going to be able to last without pulling my hair out... well, i'll do what i can, and keep working on my little projects to hopefully help make some more money.

steve

steve may or may not be getting a divorce... whew. whole different subject. maybe for next time.

anywho i gotta go as maru keeps walking all over the keyboard and trying to help me write this entry. i appreciate his gusto but no.

ttyl 😍 sorry for long post, if someone gives me the chance i just won't stfu. i can think of about 100 other things i want to talk about but... some other time.

(also btw i just went out and got rid of some wasp nests. went from have a wasp phobia to being the house designated wasp remover. how is that for a character arc)

sorry i haven't been around much! i'm going to try to return the comments in my inbox tomorrow if i can. depression has been getting the best of me unfortunately.

we went to the end-of-semester dinner for asl 101. we both got certificates which is fun. it was just me, elias, and our other friend in the class that came from 101, the rest of the people were from the higher classes. i guess that makes sense to me, the people in 101 aren't necessarily that dedicated to the language. the people that take the higher classes probably have some level of bond and dedication to the language and their fellow classmates.

it was really fun! of course, it was ASL only. it was so nice to just have silence besides laughter here and there, and i could actually communicate with people. i'm so happy for that.

i'm trying to work on my splurging problem in therapy right now and address the root issues, but it's really hard. for now, i'm just trying to hold off on spending any money until i figure that out. really hard when i just got paid, but here we are.

i got a job interview! well, a half interview. i'm going to be talking with a recruiter today. i redid my resume yesterday and suddenly i've started getting hits, so i guess that it's been my shitty resume the whole time. i pretty much changed it from "marketing speak" to something that's actually intelligible quickly and also listed my full stack web dev credentials. hoping that this actually gets me somewhere. i'm mainly looking because they're opening up the position that would be perfect for me EXTERNALLY!!! at my current job. and i know there's a very good chance that if they hire externally, i'll quit on the spot. so better to be prepared... and it's a good ego booster to know that i could get a (half) interview that easily.

also we woke up this morning and our AC was frozen over, so we called an HVAC person. but there's been flooding around here, so they haven't been able to come. there were two (!) tornado warnings here over the weekend, so bad that we took all our pets and hid out in the bathroom waiting for it to pass. and then yesterday lightning struck closer to our house than i've ever seen. a HUGE boom and just a bit scary. the weather has been crazy lately.

uh anyway i think that's about it see ya

b4 i write anything i will just say i see i got some comments/DMs i gotta reply to, i'll try to get to that today or tomorrow

but for today just a lil venting... ughhhhhh

depression

has been HELLA bad this month which has also kinda affected everything. plus i ran out of adderall and i don't even have the energy to fight to get it refilled, which is making me even more sleepy bc adderall is one of the only things that keeps me motivated and awake, otherwise i sleep 20 hours a day like my pets. but like... idk. i haven't even felt like being awake or anything.

work

is still a nightmare. it's really depressing me even worse than usual lmao. my main alter anastasia just kinda had a meltdown and said "fuck all yall" and is gone for now so bye i guess lmao. can't really say i blame her, this job is soul sucking. fucking sucks. and it's unfortunately causing a lil rift in the relationship with E. like a micro rift, barely even there but still there, which SUPER sucks.

sleep

is basically just non-existent these days, and when i do get sleep, i have night terrors every night. sometimes i'm able to get to sleep if my dog Toni is sleeping next to me, but she's the only one that helps. i've tried my other pets, and it's just toni. and bless her, unfortunately she is in a donut right now (a very cute one might i add, actually decorated like a pink donut) because she won't stop licking her leg and giving herself a hot spot. so when i'm trying to sleep, she's like twice as big as she should be because of the donut... haha. it's the only thing that helps me tho. i also forgot my meds last night which makes my sleep even WORSE.

finances

good god don't even get me started on this lmao. i have been impulse spending like money is literally burning a hole in my pocket and then wondering why i am broke. but it's like the impulse spending is due to my depression and trying to get like at least 1 serotonin however i can, but then i have -100 serotonins at the end of the month bc i'm stressed out about finances. but in the moment i'm like "yolo" and end up spending way too much... i'm going to talk to the therapist about it today.

therapy

oh also speaking of which therapy sucks it's hard and exhausting and she's currently doing some EDMR adjacent stuff w me and it makes me even sleepier than usual. like every week i feel like skipping & the only reason i don't is bc it's literally cheaper to just go than it is to pay the last minute cancellation fee :X i'll figure it out...

good stuff

there's a lot of good stuff going on in my life too tho! like for one thankfully E is actually decent with finances so my questionable financial "decisions" aren't impacting our life that much. plus ASL 101 is almost over and there's a dinner next week for all the people who were in all the ASL classes! i'm pretty excited 😍 elias and i are a few of the only people that are moving on to 102 though, which isn't surprising to me. i think that most people would take 101 to see if they like it, and if it doesn't really jive with them, they just stop coming. i get it... haha

work is stressinggg me out worse than normal lol. like i am very annoyed that my skip (brittany) is still coming to me with shit personally, and then doesn't listen to what i say, sends my supervisor to ASK THE SAME SHIT, i give the same answer, and then suddenly she listens to my supervisor. ???? don't come to me if you don't want to hear me? i'm going to lose my McMind. that's about it see ya